Erin and Connor are fascinated by death. Much of their play and the songs they make up revolve around death/dying/killing. Not surprising for Erin really, given how much of her early life was touched by it. Erin has grown up hearing about her mama and the circumstances surrounding her birth and the days following. We've never tried to shield her from the truth, telling her that her mama loved her and wanted to be her mummy but unfortunately never had the chance. She knows I love her, she knows that she is my little girl and she is very secure with her knowledge.

She has, however, grown up with three different views of what happens AFTER we die. Her maternal grandmother believes her daughter is in heaven and has passed that knowledge onto Erin. She teaches Erin that her mama is watching over her from heaven and keeping her safe. Lee teaches Erin that when you're dead you're dead and that's it. The living go on living and then they die. Nothing more. I, of course, teach Erin the Witness point of view, that the dead stay in their graves with no thoughts, no actions, being conscious of nothing. They stay there until after Armaggeddon at which time God will raise them up and bring them back to life to live on Earth. I've taught her that only a certain number of people go to heaven and that they have already been chosen. I also teach that mama doesn't look after her safety from heaven because Daddy chose me to take care of her here on Earth.

Mine is the version she likes best. In her mind Sharon will rise up after Armaggeddon and live with us in our home. She will have her two mummies and we will be one happy family.

This is fine. We expected it. We roll with it.

The unexpected part is Connor. Connor has been raised hearing all the same things and has somehow applied it to himself. Because Erin's grandmother has taken him on as her grandson he has had five years of hearing about 'Mama', how she died and the various theories on what happens next. And he buys it. There's nothing more disconcerting that hearing your own child explain to stangers "This is my mummy. I also have a mama but she died." And then he pulls the sad face which brings on the sympathy look from the hearer.

On the positive side, he has a very rich and fertile imagination and it doesn't seem to harm him. He has an extended family who love him and treat him (for the most part) like Erin. He also believes that we live in a giant snake called Australia and that daylight happens because the mouth opens and night time is when the snake closes its mouth. He has another mummy and daddy who live in the sky (called England) but that we're nicer than them.

So, all in all, I'm not concerned. In fact, I'm pleased that I'm raising children who have a very broad and accepting view of the universe and their place in it. These are the children that happily know that Santa isn't real while getting excited when they see him at the shops. They believe God has a name and they use it in front of their teacher and friends while being able to hold a discussion about evolution and how the dinosaurs died.

Yes, they're balanced and they're off-beat and I wouldn't have it any other way.
 

Thanks to callistra  and editormum  for providing lots of good conversation and company this week. I've totally enjoyed my time catching up and reconnecting with my people again. I don't say this very often but your friendship means the world to me.
 

It was a funny decade. I finished 1999 with one husband and finished 2009 with another.

In between these two events:

I went to uni.

I won awards for my editing.

I was disfellowshipped from being a Witness.

I was reinstated as a Witness.

I went to Clarion South and learnt that I'm not that great a writer. Nor am I that great at taking criticism.

I received a movie option on one of my stories.

I witnessed my child going to court and facing very serious charges.

I had my first story published and went on to have another 15 published during the next 10 years.

I gave birth to my fifth child

I went from being a tiny 48 kg to a not-so-tiny not 48kg

I had a car accident that is still waiting to be settled.

I lost my job because I couldn't get childcare.
 
This year:

I was present when my daughter discovered she was pregnant. The conversation that went something like:  
C: I think I have thrush.
L: What are the symptoms?
Lists symptoms. I buy her a pregnancy test. She does the test thing and brings it out.
C: It's negative. See, no lines.
L: Hmmm. Let's turn it over and see what it actually says. Oh look here comes the second line. Yes, you're pregnant.

I saw my first grandchild move in the ultrasound.

I took the call that told me the baby had died at 14 weeks in utero.

I started a job I hate.

I applied to do my teaching degree at Murdoch.

I was accepted into uni.

I witnessed the beginning of a murder.

I (we) bought a house in Mandurah

I had no stories published and had a very quiet year on the writing front. It all seemed so stupid.

I called it quits on a very long-standing friendship.

So here we are at the beginning of 2010.

My focus has shifted back toward uni and writing. I want that degree. I want to believe in myself as a writer again. I decided to move away from spec fic and toward mainstream, but I've been reading some of my old stuff lately and have found  I'm not as terrible as I thought I was. I've sent two stories out recently and am working on a short story that currently sits at 7000 words.

I love Mandurah and want to stay here forever. We have a beautiful house and I'd like to set it up so that we never have to leave. Hence, the desire to have a better job.

Aiden graduates high school at the end of this year. I want to make sure his future prospects are better than his sister's.

At the end of this decade Erin will be finishing her high school life. I want to make sure her future prospects are bright. She can be anything she chooses to be. I want to give her every chance to partake of the opportunities that present themself.
 

Other than that the future is a clean slate, it's whatever Lee and I make of it.

I mainly just hope to finish this decade with the same husband I have now. If that's all I achieve I'll be satisfied. That and the kid stuff, obviously.

 

Read this on a friend's status. I think it's a quote from somewhere else, but it made me laugh so I have to share: "But I don’t want to go to military school! I hate camouflage clothes, I can never find them in my wardrobe."

Okay, I'm recording this, more for my sake than anything else. I want to be able to get to the end of the month and see just how I coped.

But before I do, let me tell you what's happening in my life (in dot point)

- Aiden has discovered testosterone in a big way. He is now nearly a foot taller than me and is using his height to try to intimidate me into doing his will. He's spending a lot of time grounded from PS2, iPod, TV, friends etc as a result. Yes, I'm five foot nothing, he's around 5 foot 11 (that's 153 cm for me and darn big for him), so it can be amusing when he towers over me and leans his arm on my head. It's not amusing when he's yelling at me and calling me a cow. It is amusing (well, for me) when I tell him to give me his iPod as punishment AND HE DOES!

- I'm seeing a psych about my car accident three years ago. This has raised a lot of issues for me, most of them centred around the way I was parented, the way I parent my children, how I dealt with the kids going to live with their dad, the guilt I feel over leaving their dad, my disfellowshipping and where I am with my faith now compared to where I think I should be, the messy parts of my childhood, the good parts of both marriages, Cassie's miscarriage, Aiden's puberty, etc etc. According to the psych this is all relevant to the feelings of chaos that has surrounded me since the car accident and the fact that I don't feel in control of my life anymore.

- I like work a lot more now, particularly as the person I had most problems with is now on maternity leave. However, there is a lot of pressure on staff at the moment to meet ludicrous goals in regards to referrals and sales.

- November is a birthday heavy month and I tread a very thin line between keeping my family happy and keeping myself happy. Compromise is the name of the game, in theory, but in practice I do things I don't want to and yet no one (in my family) ever offers to come to the Memorial (our most important night) or to any of the talks. So, I'm about to get a lot stricter and say NO to the celebrations that I don't celebrate.

- I've been reconnecting with my old school friends, pals, buddies, associates and am realising just how much I hated school and why. I was horribly bulllied. It's a wonder I'm not standing on a water tower with a sawn-off shotgun right now :))))

I started to share this happiness as a comment over at girliejones' LJ, but decided I wanted the rest of my friends to share my happiness too.

I wanted to file my nails on Friday night so was going through some old handbags that are destined for the bin (just as soon as I pluck up the courage). I couldn't find a file, but I did find my trusty pink iPod, which had been missing for close to five months.

Surprisingly, I had searched that very pocket of that very bag at least 10 times since losing my iPod with no luck and even more surprisingly, I knew about 7 seconds before I even opened the bag that I was going to find the iPod at that moment.

I can't tell you how happy I am. Nor how happy Erin is. I replaced the iPod with a new updated blue version and had promised my little girl that I'd give her the pink if I ever found it. Now I'm stuck because even though the blue has way more giggage, I don't love it anywhere near as much. What to do? What to do?

Now, does anyone know where I put my nail files?

Edit: Erin now has 38 songs on her pink iPod. She also has a lecture about the great love I have for that iPod ringing in her ears.

Edit again: Nail files were in the car.